-The TJ MAXX TOUR OF CHAMPIONS is coming to your home town!!!!!!!!! What if you called that number right now and tried to get tickets? "I just want to see Carly Patterson!"
-The "TJ Maxx tour of champions" is also what I call the grocery store on a Sunday morning.
-"You will marvel as these gymnasts deliver gymnastics." TWIST.
-Oh, your senses will be kick-started all right. Particularly your senses of shame and regret.
-And now, let's begin.
-Ooooh, a flashback episode! "Previously, on the manipulative nightmare that is the Olympic Trials broadcast history, everyone's life was garbage..."
-It's really important to start with an "it'll end in tears" montage. Just to set the tone of the proceedings. Ladies, learn from this. Blubbering is the only goal.
-Elise Ray is crying. Shannon Miller is crying. Alyssa Beckerman is crying. Beth Rybacki is crying. Obviously. Beth Rybacki is a Native American origin story of how the Great Lakes came to be. Which one's happy? Which one's sad? It doesn't matter. TEARS!
-Al is doing a pretty good job reminiscing about how traumatic that 2000 team announcement debacle was (raw, disorganized, abrupt, and unnecessary public and painful), but it's hard to tell whether that's supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing. Given the forthcoming 2004 announcement, I'm thinking it's supposed to be a good thing. "Imagine your worst nightmare. I can't wait to watch all of it."
-Yes, Bela decided to step down after 2000. Everyone else was going, "Please continue, Bela! It went so well! We love and need you!" That's what happened.
-When I was in elementary school, my haircut of choice was The Martha. #styleicon
-"Are they able to hold up, or not?" Well, that pretty much sums up the Martha era, doesn't it? Spoiler alert: mostly not.
-Did Al just refer to Martha as a "girl"? Yes, little Martha the schoolgirl. She's really excited to start second grade.
-"This is the real O.C." Oh. This era. I forgot. Al, please stop making me want to go back and watch The O.C. to make fun of Mischa Barton's horrible enunciation and "putting your hair behind your left ear counts as acting" performance strategy. Kristen Stewart owes her so much.
-(Marisa should have died in Tijuana in season one. I said it.)
-Wait, we missed the first rotation??? Of trials??? Scandal! Outrage! You're lucky Twitter wasn't a thing then. I feel like we need to put together an army of retroactive poop emojis just to make up for it now.
-They really listened to all those gym fans who said, "I'd like the broadcast to stay the same length, just with 25% less gymnastics. Fill that time with talking, please."
